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Saturday, September 3, 2011

'Failure' is My Middle Name

I just can't fucking commit to anything. The first day of my fast lasted all of up to 5:30pm. I used my free meal card at work to get stuffed salmon, two weird Swedish potato broccoli cake things, vegetables, a salad swimming in dressing, and a piece of apple cake. THEN I got BK on the way home. Luckily, I was able to purge everything that night.

I was considering trying the fast again today, but ended up going to the grocery store instead. I binged on BBQ chips, ranch dip, crumb donuts, swiss rolls, ice cream, a massive amount of pasta, more chips and dip, and more ice cream. I think I burned my throat purging it all, because I kept coughing at work tonight. I figured since I'd already blown my fast I'd get Taco Bell after work, but when I got home my roommate had people over so I couldn't purge it. So now it's just sitting in my stomach like a lead weight, making me feel sick and gross.

I can't believe I have no fucking self-control. I just can't stop bingeing and purging. I can't starve myself, but I also can't let food stay in my stomach. I don't know what to do :( I'll have insurance by the end of the month, so I'm considering going and talking to someone. The main problem is, I don't want to stop. Not until I'm skinny, not until I reach my goal. I can't be fat ever again. I'd rather die.

Tomorrow will be my real challenge. It's another free food day at work and I have a full shift. Here's hoping I don't give into temptation.