A Cliched Deep, Dark Hole

I feel like utter shit. Both physically and mentally. I wasn't planning on eating today. A plan, which was going well since lunch was chicken taquitos and refried beans (gross and fattening). But then, after my shift ended, I went downstairs to the Swedish market and bought four(!) different kinds of cookies and some sparkling cider. There wasn't a cashier around so I had to pay for it at the bistro and hotdogs were only 50cents, so, of course, I got two of them and wolfed them down before I even got across the street to my car. I figured two hotdogs couldn't hurt that bad, except then I remembered that I still had an extra 2lbs to lose from yesterday. So I couldn't wait to get home and get rid of them. But when I got home I figured, hey, since I'm already going to purge I might as well eat some more, right? So I ordered two large pizzas and an order of cheesesticks from Papa John's. I ate four pieces of pizza and nearly the whole thing of cheesesticks before my stomach really started to hurt. Instead of making me feel better, like usual, though, purging just made me feel tired and achey. It just felt utterly exhausting to do. I'm so tired of purging, but I can't seem to go even one measly day without eating. By night time I'm starving and that's when I end up bingeing, which requires purging to make up for it. It's just one long, endless, exhausting cycle. I don't know how much longer I can do this. I'm just so tired. I want to sleep forever. I feel depressed, like utter shit. I want to cut myself so badly right now. I know it will make me feel better, at least for a little while. Unfortunately, since I have a job now and our uniforms have short sleeves, I wouldn't be able to get away with it. At least not on my arm, where I usually cut myself. I'm thinking about trying my thigh. It would be easily covered by clothing and even in the summer I don't usually wear shorts or anything, unless I'm at home. I dunno, I guess I'll see how I feel tomorrow, if I still have the urge to do it. It would be really disappointing, though, because I've been sober since about January. Hopefully, tomorrow will be better.

A New Plan

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!!! I really need to learn some goddamn self-control! There was free food at work today, so of course, like the fat fucking pig I am, I ate at nearly every break. Doritos, guacamole, Tostitos, onion dip, BBQ ribs, baked potato with sour cream, and ice cream! Two bowls of ice cream with M&Ms and caramel and chocolate sauce on top! I'm surprised I didn't gain a bajillion pounds! I nearly had a panic attack after my lunch break. All that food sitting in my stomach, getting absorbed into my body and making me fat, fat, FAT!!! I really, REALLY wanted to purge but I just can't risk it at work.

Then I got even more food after work, but luckily I was able to purge all of it at home. When I weighed myself I'd only gained 2lbs (thank, God!!!). But it still really pisses me off because this morning I'd reached the 90lb mark and now I've moved back 2lbs :(

So I've decided to come up with a new plan: ABSOLUTELY NO FOOD AT WORK! And bingeing limited to just once a week. The other six days of the week I plan to eat as little as possible; no more than 500 calories.

No one thinks that I can lose (now) 38lbs before I visit my parents in late December, but I know if I stick to this plan I can do it. Wish me luck!

Coming Out of Hiding

So, I've been in hiding for a few days (weeks?) because I was too utterly ashamed of myself to write. Somehow, between moving into a new apartment and starting my new job I put on 7lbs! 7 whole, fucking lbs!!! I wanted to kill myself. Thankfully, I've finally lost all 7lbs, plus another 1.5. I'm now in the 150s. Yay!

Basically, I've determined that it's damn near impossible to purge at work. And since most days they serve us super-fattening, carb-loaded, swimming-in-grease excuses for meals there's no way I can possibly eat there. Luckily, my training is pretty much over now so I don't have to take a break with my training buddy. No one seems to notice/care that I sit in the corner reading a book during my lunch break. It's just hard sometimes to get through an 8-hour shift on an empty stomach. I'm usually STARVING by the time I get off work.

I've been purging, even when my roommate's home, because I just don't care. Either he doesn't hear it or he just hasn't mentioned it. I'm starting to think that purging really isn't that big of a deal. It's just a way for me to eat as much food as I want and not have to worry about gaining weight. Really, what's so bad about that? I'm still fat, so it's not like I've reached the point where I'm starving to death. Once I reach my goal weight, I'll stop (yeah, right).

Anyhoo, now that I'm back on the right track I should be updating more frequently. :)