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Saturday, September 3, 2011

'Failure' is My Middle Name

I just can't fucking commit to anything. The first day of my fast lasted all of up to 5:30pm. I used my free meal card at work to get stuffed salmon, two weird Swedish potato broccoli cake things, vegetables, a salad swimming in dressing, and a piece of apple cake. THEN I got BK on the way home. Luckily, I was able to purge everything that night.

I was considering trying the fast again today, but ended up going to the grocery store instead. I binged on BBQ chips, ranch dip, crumb donuts, swiss rolls, ice cream, a massive amount of pasta, more chips and dip, and more ice cream. I think I burned my throat purging it all, because I kept coughing at work tonight. I figured since I'd already blown my fast I'd get Taco Bell after work, but when I got home my roommate had people over so I couldn't purge it. So now it's just sitting in my stomach like a lead weight, making me feel sick and gross.

I can't believe I have no fucking self-control. I just can't stop bingeing and purging. I can't starve myself, but I also can't let food stay in my stomach. I don't know what to do :( I'll have insurance by the end of the month, so I'm considering going and talking to someone. The main problem is, I don't want to stop. Not until I'm skinny, not until I reach my goal. I can't be fat ever again. I'd rather die.

Tomorrow will be my real challenge. It's another free food day at work and I have a full shift. Here's hoping I don't give into temptation.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

I Want This So Bad

Sorry I haven't updated in quite a while. Things have been... I dunno... complicated. I don't really feel like rehashing things, so I'm just going to focus on the future. Tomorrow, I'm starting a five-day fast. This is going to be a real challenge for me because I work all five of those days and 1) It's hard to work/stand 8.5 hours without eating anything, and 2) This weekend is a three-day Red Peak, which means... FREE FOOD. My plan is diet soda/energy drinks and sequestering myself away in the quiet lounge, away from temptation. I'm also going to bring my ED notebook with me for [thin]spiration. I'm so close to reaching my 100lb weight-loss goal, I can almost taste it (hardy-har-har), and I really, really want to reach my "final" goal of weighing 120lbs by the time I visit my family at the end of December.

Fingers crossed I can do it! I'll try to update more on my progress. Peace :3

Monday, August 1, 2011

Where to Go From Here

I don't even know what to say about the last few weeks, so I won't say anything at all. The bingeing/purging continue but, on a bright note, I met a guy who was not disgusted by my gross, flabby, ginormous body. In fact, he was actually pretty turned on by parts of it. And even better, I felt pretty comfortable with my body while I was with him (thank God, the lights were off, though, otherwise it would've been an entirely different story!). I was completely naked, but I thought, hey, my body isn't that totally bad (or at least a HELL of a lot better than it was 90lbs ago!). I'm still going to continue losing weight because I know I can/want to look better, but it was great to have an experience where a guy told me I was sexy and, more importantly, made me believe it myself, at least for a few hours :)

Monday, July 18, 2011

A Cliched Deep, Dark Hole

I feel like utter shit. Both physically and mentally. I wasn't planning on eating today. A plan, which was going well since lunch was chicken taquitos and refried beans (gross and fattening). But then, after my shift ended, I went downstairs to the Swedish market and bought four(!) different kinds of cookies and some sparkling cider. There wasn't a cashier around so I had to pay for it at the bistro and hotdogs were only 50cents, so, of course, I got two of them and wolfed them down before I even got across the street to my car. I figured two hotdogs couldn't hurt that bad, except then I remembered that I still had an extra 2lbs to lose from yesterday. So I couldn't wait to get home and get rid of them. But when I got home I figured, hey, since I'm already going to purge I might as well eat some more, right? So I ordered two large pizzas and an order of cheesesticks from Papa John's. I ate four pieces of pizza and nearly the whole thing of cheesesticks before my stomach really started to hurt. Instead of making me feel better, like usual, though, purging just made me feel tired and achey. It just felt utterly exhausting to do. I'm so tired of purging, but I can't seem to go even one measly day without eating. By night time I'm starving and that's when I end up bingeing, which requires purging to make up for it. It's just one long, endless, exhausting cycle. I don't know how much longer I can do this. I'm just so tired. I want to sleep forever. I feel depressed, like utter shit. I want to cut myself so badly right now. I know it will make me feel better, at least for a little while. Unfortunately, since I have a job now and our uniforms have short sleeves, I wouldn't be able to get away with it. At least not on my arm, where I usually cut myself. I'm thinking about trying my thigh. It would be easily covered by clothing and even in the summer I don't usually wear shorts or anything, unless I'm at home. I dunno, I guess I'll see how I feel tomorrow, if I still have the urge to do it. It would be really disappointing, though, because I've been sober since about January. Hopefully, tomorrow will be better.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

A New Plan

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!!! I really need to learn some goddamn self-control! There was free food at work today, so of course, like the fat fucking pig I am, I ate at nearly every break. Doritos, guacamole, Tostitos, onion dip, BBQ ribs, baked potato with sour cream, and ice cream! Two bowls of ice cream with M&Ms and caramel and chocolate sauce on top! I'm surprised I didn't gain a bajillion pounds! I nearly had a panic attack after my lunch break. All that food sitting in my stomach, getting absorbed into my body and making me fat, fat, FAT!!! I really, REALLY wanted to purge but I just can't risk it at work.

Then I got even more food after work, but luckily I was able to purge all of it at home. When I weighed myself I'd only gained 2lbs (thank, God!!!). But it still really pisses me off because this morning I'd reached the 90lb mark and now I've moved back 2lbs :(

So I've decided to come up with a new plan: ABSOLUTELY NO FOOD AT WORK! And bingeing limited to just once a week. The other six days of the week I plan to eat as little as possible; no more than 500 calories.

No one thinks that I can lose (now) 38lbs before I visit my parents in late December, but I know if I stick to this plan I can do it. Wish me luck!

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Coming Out of Hiding

So, I've been in hiding for a few days (weeks?) because I was too utterly ashamed of myself to write. Somehow, between moving into a new apartment and starting my new job I put on 7lbs! 7 whole, fucking lbs!!! I wanted to kill myself. Thankfully, I've finally lost all 7lbs, plus another 1.5. I'm now in the 150s. Yay!

Basically, I've determined that it's damn near impossible to purge at work. And since most days they serve us super-fattening, carb-loaded, swimming-in-grease excuses for meals there's no way I can possibly eat there. Luckily, my training is pretty much over now so I don't have to take a break with my training buddy. No one seems to notice/care that I sit in the corner reading a book during my lunch break. It's just hard sometimes to get through an 8-hour shift on an empty stomach. I'm usually STARVING by the time I get off work.

I've been purging, even when my roommate's home, because I just don't care. Either he doesn't hear it or he just hasn't mentioned it. I'm starting to think that purging really isn't that big of a deal. It's just a way for me to eat as much food as I want and not have to worry about gaining weight. Really, what's so bad about that? I'm still fat, so it's not like I've reached the point where I'm starving to death. Once I reach my goal weight, I'll stop (yeah, right).

Anyhoo, now that I'm back on the right track I should be updating more frequently. :)

Monday, June 27, 2011

Get It Together!

Today was a total waste, I'd already gone and fucked it up by 11am. When I weighed myself this morning I was down to 162lbs and, without even thinking, ate four pieces of leftover pizza (two days old now) and drank two malt liquors. Not only did this make me feel like some sort of shady person with a drinking problem, I also felt disgusted with all that greasy poison swimming around in my stomach. And yet, I couldn't bring myself to purge. My roommate was at work all day, so I had hours of opportunities and I didn't take any of them.

It's nearly 8pm and I'm starving, but I can't eat anything because A) my roommate is now home so I wouldn't be able to purge it, and B) I just weighed myself and the pizza and alcohol have made me shoot up to 165lbs. I'm so depressed that I'm drinking a beer (102cals). I feel depressed in general, not just about being a gross, disgusting, uncontrollable fat-ass. I have a strong urge to runaway but I have no idea where. I just want to escape my life right now.

Here is my plan for tomorrow (and this time I'm STICKING TO IT!): 1cup raw spinach (7cals), three cucumber slices (2cals), and maybe some carrot slices (8cals). NO DRESSING. And water to drink. Depending on how tired I am when I got home from work, I may have a steamer bag of broccoli (120cals). Regardless, I am not having ANYTHING else at work, I don't care how mouth-watering it looks. I need to stop screwing around if I want to reach my goal weight by the end of the year.

Here's hoping tomorrow's much more of a success than today was!

Sunday, June 26, 2011

No Excuses

So work is totally screwing up my weight loss :( Today, I ate two beef fajitas with rice, replied beans (wtf was I thinking???), and guacamole, as well as a piece of double chocolate cake. When I got home, I was so hungry and exhausted, I ate two pieces of leftover pizza and drank two malt liquors. And I didn't purge any of it! As a result, I've put on 4(!!!)lbs. Totally, totally unacceptable! Tomorrow, I'm starting over. No food until I've lost those 4lbs, plus 2 more. I need this sort of punishment to get back on track and remind myself what is really important... being thin. Here's hoping I have the willpower to follow through with it. The longest I've been able to go without eating is just one day (pathetic, I know) and I think 6lbs might require at least two. Fingers crossed!

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Mission: Impossible???

Ugh, yesterday I was a total pig at work :[ I got a free lunch from the restaurant at work, so I got stuffed salmon filet (who knows what the hell it was stuffed with or how many calories it had), a vegetable mix (carrots, broccoli, snap peas, and squash), french fries (so much grease!!!), a HUGE piece of apple pie, and a Swedish apple soda (200 calories!!!). I practically wolfed it down before freaking out because I had absolutely no idea how many calories I had consumed. There were only 5 minutes left in my lunch break, so I told my training partner that I was going to the bathroom real quick. Thankfully, no one else was in the bathroom, so I just started shoving my finger down my throat as fast and as far as I could; so violently that I scraped up my knuckle. My eyes were watering, but I was just desperate to get as much out of my stomach as quickly as I could. When I got done, my face was all splotchy and my eyes were red. When I came out of the bathroom my training partner was really concerned, asking if I was alright. I lied and told her I had a really bad coughing fit, probably from eating too quickly or it might have been a hold-over from a chest cold I had a few weeks ago. I almost didn't think she would believe me but luckily she bought it.

I'm going to have to be a lot more careful at work. I either need to stick to just salads and low/no calorie foods, or I need to bring my toothbrush with me to work. When I use a toothbrush to purge my face doesn't get all splotchy and it's definitely not noticeable what I've been doing. I dunno. I work a long shift tomorrow, with a lunch break, so I think I'll try just having a salad.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Such a Fragile Mask

Eating disorders are all about secrets, about wearing a mask, about showing the outside world that you are fine. When I'm by myself I'll binge and not even think twice about how absolutely disgusting it would look to anyone else. It doesn't matter, because I'm by myself. And I know it's only a matter of minutes before I purge it all back up and don't hate myself anymore for eating it all to begin with.

It's an entirely different story when I'm around other people. I never think about bingeing when there are witnesses. I never even think about eating what are considered "normal" portions of food. I eat like a bird, like all those stupid anorexic girls who pick at their food and are full after one carrot stick, who you just want to shake and scream, "Fucking eat something!" I turn into something I swore I'd never become. But eating disorders make you lie to everyone, including yourself. Most of all, to yourself.

When I'm by myself, my bulimia has free range. When I'm in public, I put on my anorexia mask to fool myself into thinking a grape and a lettuce leaf will suffice. And over that, I put on my "I'm fine" mask to fool the people around me. I'm the Queen of Excuses when it comes to deceiving other people. "I don't feel well." "I ate before I came." "I still have some weight I need to lose." That one works the best because I'm still overweight so, instead of nagging me to eat more, people are understanding and congratulate me on my will power and determination. It makes me feel like such a fucking phony.

I just recently got a job and it's causing quite a bit of anxiety about eating. I've never purged outside of my apartment because I'm terrified someone will discover my horrible secret. But now I'm to the point where even eating anything, because it could possibly cause me to put on weight, sends me into a panic. I don't want my co-workers to notice I'm continually not eating anything at breaks, but I don't want to be caught purging at work. I'm not sure what I'm going to do yet. I guess my best option is to try and eat things that have the absolute lowest amount of calories and hope all the hard work I'm doing burns them off, and then some. If I eat close enough to when my shift is over I can hopefully just purge it when I get home, but I guess I'll just have to see how things go. Wish me luck.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Allow Me to Introduce Myself...

Currently reading: Perfect by Natasha Friend
Mood: exhausted

I'm so hungry, I could throw up. My head is pounding and my ears ache. I feel like boiled crap and the orientation for my new job is tomorrow. Someone kill me please.

The logical thing to do would be to eat something, but nothing in my life ever seems to be that simple. A) My jaw hurts and sends shooting pain into my ears whenever I open my jaw wide enough to eat, B) Once again, I have barely any money, C) If I eat, I have to purge, which requires opening my mouth wide enough to cause pain, and D) I can't NOT purge because my digestive system is so screwed up that it would be a guessing game as to when I'm going to actually... digest. I really don't want to be running back and forth to the bathroom my first day of work. Not a great impression to make.

Before anyone starts to throw a hissy fit, this is NOT a pro-mia blog. It's a blog where I can write about my life, thoughts, and feelings. And right now, unfortunately, bulimia is a large part of my life, thoughts, and feelings. Since I became bulimic, my life revolves around food. I think about it ALL THE TIME. Even before I started writing this post I was looking at pictures of food on the internet. I wish I could stop this horrific cycle of bingeing and purging (I actually purge every single time I eat something, even if it wasn't a binge), but I am paralyzed with fear every time I step on the scale and see the number has gone up, even if it's only half a pound. As someone who started her eating disorder journey weighing 246lbs, I can honestly say (at this point, anyway) that I would rather die than be fat again. My goal weight (the one I admit to other people, anyway) is 120lbs and I'm only 41.5lbs away from reaching it. I've convinced myself that once I reach my goal I'll stop this destructive behavior. Too bad I know that's a giant fucking lie. I'll never feel thin enough. Not until I've disappeared completely. I know that people die from this disease, but because I'm not to that point yet the knowledge isn't enough to scare me.

My hope with this blog is that maybe someone will read it and offer some advice... or at least tell me I'm not as crazy and fucked up as I imagine myself to be.

<3 *Alice*