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Monday, July 18, 2011

A Cliched Deep, Dark Hole

I feel like utter shit. Both physically and mentally. I wasn't planning on eating today. A plan, which was going well since lunch was chicken taquitos and refried beans (gross and fattening). But then, after my shift ended, I went downstairs to the Swedish market and bought four(!) different kinds of cookies and some sparkling cider. There wasn't a cashier around so I had to pay for it at the bistro and hotdogs were only 50cents, so, of course, I got two of them and wolfed them down before I even got across the street to my car. I figured two hotdogs couldn't hurt that bad, except then I remembered that I still had an extra 2lbs to lose from yesterday. So I couldn't wait to get home and get rid of them. But when I got home I figured, hey, since I'm already going to purge I might as well eat some more, right? So I ordered two large pizzas and an order of cheesesticks from Papa John's. I ate four pieces of pizza and nearly the whole thing of cheesesticks before my stomach really started to hurt. Instead of making me feel better, like usual, though, purging just made me feel tired and achey. It just felt utterly exhausting to do. I'm so tired of purging, but I can't seem to go even one measly day without eating. By night time I'm starving and that's when I end up bingeing, which requires purging to make up for it. It's just one long, endless, exhausting cycle. I don't know how much longer I can do this. I'm just so tired. I want to sleep forever. I feel depressed, like utter shit. I want to cut myself so badly right now. I know it will make me feel better, at least for a little while. Unfortunately, since I have a job now and our uniforms have short sleeves, I wouldn't be able to get away with it. At least not on my arm, where I usually cut myself. I'm thinking about trying my thigh. It would be easily covered by clothing and even in the summer I don't usually wear shorts or anything, unless I'm at home. I dunno, I guess I'll see how I feel tomorrow, if I still have the urge to do it. It would be really disappointing, though, because I've been sober since about January. Hopefully, tomorrow will be better.

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