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Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Allow Me to Introduce Myself...

Currently reading: Perfect by Natasha Friend
Mood: exhausted

I'm so hungry, I could throw up. My head is pounding and my ears ache. I feel like boiled crap and the orientation for my new job is tomorrow. Someone kill me please.

The logical thing to do would be to eat something, but nothing in my life ever seems to be that simple. A) My jaw hurts and sends shooting pain into my ears whenever I open my jaw wide enough to eat, B) Once again, I have barely any money, C) If I eat, I have to purge, which requires opening my mouth wide enough to cause pain, and D) I can't NOT purge because my digestive system is so screwed up that it would be a guessing game as to when I'm going to actually... digest. I really don't want to be running back and forth to the bathroom my first day of work. Not a great impression to make.

Before anyone starts to throw a hissy fit, this is NOT a pro-mia blog. It's a blog where I can write about my life, thoughts, and feelings. And right now, unfortunately, bulimia is a large part of my life, thoughts, and feelings. Since I became bulimic, my life revolves around food. I think about it ALL THE TIME. Even before I started writing this post I was looking at pictures of food on the internet. I wish I could stop this horrific cycle of bingeing and purging (I actually purge every single time I eat something, even if it wasn't a binge), but I am paralyzed with fear every time I step on the scale and see the number has gone up, even if it's only half a pound. As someone who started her eating disorder journey weighing 246lbs, I can honestly say (at this point, anyway) that I would rather die than be fat again. My goal weight (the one I admit to other people, anyway) is 120lbs and I'm only 41.5lbs away from reaching it. I've convinced myself that once I reach my goal I'll stop this destructive behavior. Too bad I know that's a giant fucking lie. I'll never feel thin enough. Not until I've disappeared completely. I know that people die from this disease, but because I'm not to that point yet the knowledge isn't enough to scare me.

My hope with this blog is that maybe someone will read it and offer some advice... or at least tell me I'm not as crazy and fucked up as I imagine myself to be.

<3 *Alice*

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