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Thursday, June 23, 2011

Such a Fragile Mask

Eating disorders are all about secrets, about wearing a mask, about showing the outside world that you are fine. When I'm by myself I'll binge and not even think twice about how absolutely disgusting it would look to anyone else. It doesn't matter, because I'm by myself. And I know it's only a matter of minutes before I purge it all back up and don't hate myself anymore for eating it all to begin with.

It's an entirely different story when I'm around other people. I never think about bingeing when there are witnesses. I never even think about eating what are considered "normal" portions of food. I eat like a bird, like all those stupid anorexic girls who pick at their food and are full after one carrot stick, who you just want to shake and scream, "Fucking eat something!" I turn into something I swore I'd never become. But eating disorders make you lie to everyone, including yourself. Most of all, to yourself.

When I'm by myself, my bulimia has free range. When I'm in public, I put on my anorexia mask to fool myself into thinking a grape and a lettuce leaf will suffice. And over that, I put on my "I'm fine" mask to fool the people around me. I'm the Queen of Excuses when it comes to deceiving other people. "I don't feel well." "I ate before I came." "I still have some weight I need to lose." That one works the best because I'm still overweight so, instead of nagging me to eat more, people are understanding and congratulate me on my will power and determination. It makes me feel like such a fucking phony.

I just recently got a job and it's causing quite a bit of anxiety about eating. I've never purged outside of my apartment because I'm terrified someone will discover my horrible secret. But now I'm to the point where even eating anything, because it could possibly cause me to put on weight, sends me into a panic. I don't want my co-workers to notice I'm continually not eating anything at breaks, but I don't want to be caught purging at work. I'm not sure what I'm going to do yet. I guess my best option is to try and eat things that have the absolute lowest amount of calories and hope all the hard work I'm doing burns them off, and then some. If I eat close enough to when my shift is over I can hopefully just purge it when I get home, but I guess I'll just have to see how things go. Wish me luck.

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